by Dr. Kathryn Scheffel
What it is, what it’s not, how best to implement this parenting practice, and the benefits of doing so.
The goal behind development of the Special Time therapeutic tool was finding a way to renew the emotional connection between parent and child, particularly in situations wherein the child is identified as the patient, or considered to be “troubled.”
These kids understand that they’re the problem, causing a strain in the relationship with their parents and/or other family members. Usually, the difficulties have been present for quite some time before professional help is finally sought or recommended. As the stressful circumstances escalate, the connection between child and parent often greatly deteriorates, maintained at a very basic level just to coexist. They have been spending as little time together as possible to avoid tension and further conflict.
Before exploring the issue in a therapeutic setting, the parent(s) and child need to reestablish a personal rapport in order to work together on problem-solving as a team. It’s essential for the child to feel that Mom and Dad are on his side, and are truly making an effort to understand his viewpoint. Also important is for the parent to realize why previous attempts of dealing with differences have failed. It’s time to learn together how to communicate more effectively, in order to obtain better outcomes.
Special Time is a parenting practice that establishes a consistent time period, away from regular routines and activities that include other kids or family members, such as bedtime or meals. When we begin to work together in therapy, I ask the parent to set aside a 15 to 30 minute block of time, preferably the same day and time each week. If there are two parents involved, each sets aside a time to be with the child alone, not together.
Unfortunately, when I’ve asked parents to “tell me about the last time you remember having a good time with Johnny,” many find it difficult to recall a happy memory before therapy and treatment plans entered the picture. To prepare the adults, I warn them that this parenting practice might not be easy to implement, as they need to set aside all stored-up negative feelings about their child during this reserved timeframe.
A period of 15 minutes may not sound like much, but when there is a major disconnect in the parent/child relationship, those minutes may seem hard to endure in the beginning. As the bond strengthens, however, the length of Special Time usually grows.
Whenever possible, I encourage the parents themselves to initiate Special Time with their child, presenting it as their idea. An introduction to the topic could be something like “I haven’t spent much time with you lately, and would like to set up a regular special time just for us.” The child may be suspicious at first, but with consistent follow-through of the Special Time proposal, trust is soon reestablished. Both parties usually find it to be something they look forward to, instead of dread.
Different approaches to Special Time work best for different age groups. I recommend to the parents of young children (under 12 years) to sit on the floor with them when interacting together. It’s important to be on your child’s level; it’s how they learn. For older kids, a suggestion for bonding may be researching a topic on the computer or looking at photos on Facebook together. For teens over the age of 14, the term “Special Time” tends to come across as too juvenile, so we usually change the name a bit. “Dad and Dave time” is typically a more acceptable description for this parenting practice when it involves teenagers.
In summary, Special Time does not include:
1. Telling your child what to do during the designated time period.
2. Talking about problems.
3. Getting distracted or focusing on something outside the relationship.
4. Siblings or other family members.
5. Taking it away as a form of punishment. Disciplinary actions happen apart from Special Time.
What Special Time does include:
1. Letting the child be in charge and pick the activity to share with his or her parent.
2. The parent only making positive statements.
3. Keeping the time pleasurable, just being and doing together, enjoying each other’s company.
4. Only one parent at a time.
Special Time sessions reestablish positive interactions and feelings between parent and child, which are currently clouded with the kid’s difficulties. Incorporating this parenting practice helps both parent and child learn to like each other again. The process is relatively easy to maintain once a routine is established, and quickly becomes a powerful way to open the door to a successful therapeutic outcome for all involved.
For more information on the Special Time parenting practice, or assistance with putting a plan in action, please feel free to contact us.
