by Dr. Kathryn Scheffel
One of the best ways to help a child’s self-esteem is through positive reinforcement.
Research by Dr. John Gottman, renowned couple’s therapist, revealed that it takes five to seven positive comments to overcome the impact of a single negative one. This is an impressive and significant clinical finding. Although originating from studies of married couples, the statistic is a good rule of thumb for communicating with children (and anyone else!) as well.
Unfortunately, it’s a common tendency to focus on problems, or times when something goes wrong, more often than when things go “right.” This intuitively makes sense as problems require attention in order to be fixed, and things going right are best left alone. Like the old saying, “if it’s not broken, don’t fix it.” It’s easy to overlook and not comment on “expected” (good) behavior, regardless of who we are dealing with — adults or children.
The very best way to elicit behavior we want and decrease what we don’t want, is to reinforce positive actions. This is surprisingly hard for most of us to remember and to do, but what we focus on increases!
Developing new habits requires mindfulness, and repeated practice. This applies to learning new parenting techniques as well. Since it takes a greater number of positive comments to make up for one bad one, stay ahead of the game by keeping a surplus of compliments already “in the bank.” This can be a reassuring buffer, especially through trying times when the right words are hard to find.
One technique I recommend to parents in my therapy practice is to “catch their children being good,” and compliment that behavior. This is particularly helpful when you have a child with behavioral problems, since usually when they’re spoken to, it’s because they are bad. Children want and need our attention. If the only time they get it is when they’re misbehaving, they’ll act out solely for that purpose. It’s a way they know you’ll relate to them.
I call this parenting technique “Labeled Praise.” Check on your child every 10 minutes and give positive feedback on his or her behavior. It can be as simple as saying, “I like the way you’re sitting quietly” or “I appreciate you playing so nicely with your brother.” Clear, simply-stated compliments provide reinforcement and let your child know what you want them to do. Other examples of labeled praise might be: “You calmed down and made a good choice.” “I like it when you keep your hands to yourself.”
Another important parenting practice is the use of “Effective Commands.” To be meaningful and bring the desired results, your directives (like your compliments) should be short, clear, and positively stated. “Sit in your chair now,” or “Stand still,” are simple instructions that most children can easily follow. Avoid negative words (such as no, don’t, or quit) whenever possible.
While positive statements are much more effective than negative ones, they do seem to require more thought and effort. With practice, thinking of a positive way to reword, or redirect a negative, can become second nature. Telling someone what we want them to do, instead of what we don’t want them to do, has proven to be more effective in almost every situation. Negatives can always be given a more positive spin, such as “Listen quietly” instead of “Stop talking.”
It’s also important when talking with children to make sure we use words that they understand. Kids want to please their parents, so if we do not give clear directions; kids feel stuck and confused. We have to teach kids what terms like “calm down” or “act right” mean; the interpretation may be too vague.
This concept was reinforced for me recently, while waiting in an airport. A young child, also in line, was clearly upset or tired, and his restlessness was not soothed by his mother telling him to “calm down.” Had she made a specific request such as “please stand still” or “please sit down and play with your toy,” he would have known exactly what she expected of him.
Another parenting mistake often starts with the phrase “we’ve told you before about that/not doing that…..” It’s usually best to stay in the present moment and positively state what you want now: “Tommy, take only one cookie at a time.” This approach will likely bring about the desired behavior more quickly. In addition, bringing up past situations shifts focus from what’s currently happening and often creates confusion about what was to have been remembered from previous.
Asking a child (usually in the heat of the moment): “Why did you do that?” can also create confusion, rather than clarity. Is knowing the reason a kid hit his sister going to change his immediate behavior, even if he is emotionally/developmentally able to tell you? That’s something to discuss at a later time. Addressing the problem with “Keep your hands and feet to yourself while we’re in the store,” or “Keep both feet on the ground” will more quickly bring the scenario under control.
“Will you do your homework now?” is another question parents often use to try to change their child’s behavior. It’s a wistful, roundabout way of trying to get a kid to do what we want, that really means “I want you to do your homework now.” Again, communicating clearly in a direct manner will bring about the desired behavior more effectively.
Positively-stated, meaningful directives can also help your child make their own appropriate decisions: “I need you to play with your toys safely. If you want to keep that toy, hold it/do it like this; otherwise, I will take it away. So make your choice.”
Another parenting technique I recommend is: “Planned Ignoring.” Sometimes, it’s best to ignore bad behavior if the child isn’t doing anything harmful. While visiting with a good friend and her young daughter, I witnessed a great demonstration of this parenting model. After we’d played with her, and were now engaged in our own (adult) conversation, the child made repeated attempts to redirect our attention back to her. After some “planned ignoring,” when she had redirected her focus and was sitting quietly, her mother smiled at her and reinforced the new behavior with positive compliments.
When attention-seeking behavior is minor, and not too disruptive, let it go. However, it’s important for the parent to remain alert to the situation. As soon as the child does something you want, the behavior can be reinforced with praise.
I call another valuable parenting practice “The Cool Down.” When your child displays negative behavior (as in a tantrum), it’s best to minimize communication for a while. This is not the time for a long, drawn-out talk! You’re both usually too emotional, and need a “timeout” to calm down. Later, you can find out and try to understand what happened, and possibly take measures to prevent it in the future. Of course, a timeout period is beneficial for all relationships, as it is never wise to speak in the heat of the moment.
While using positive reinforcement is the big umbrella covering all these parenting techniques, it’s important to have consistency in your children’s other relationships too. Talk with their teachers, and try to enforce the same guidelines for positive classroom behavior. Ask to be kept informed of your child’s problems and/or progress. It’s also a good idea to be on the same page with grandparents and other family members, as well as the parents of your child’s close friends. Consistency is key to learning, and these guiding principles are applicable and appropriate in every situation.
In summary, using positive reinforcement as a parenting tool is best implemented by keeping statements brief and specific. Avoid getting into lengthy discussions or explanations, otherwise you’ll lose them.
All relationships benefit from clear directives. As Dr. Gottman points out in his research, stating exactly what we want and expect is the best way to get it. No one can read your mind, and no one (children and adults alike) should be expected to.
